So, there's this song.....
And it's on the Matilda soundtrack.
It's brilliant altogether, as is the entire play.
But this song, WHEN I GROW UP, rarely fails to stir emotions. Singing along in the car, and Tim Minchin (wrote the play and the music for it) swerves you, and your throat closes up a bit and......
Sneaky bastard.....
- My dad has covid.
- last week it was my sister in law, before that it was my brother.
- my girlfriend, whom I love, is just coming off 14 days isolating. thank god she's ok, at least. she was told she had been exposed at work. who in turn would not pay her to stay home until she found out if she had it or not.....
- My mom's been in the hospital for 6+ weeks, with very serious, non-covid related issues.
I mention all of this not for sympathy, but more to highlight that this is where a whole bunch of our lives are at right now, every day.
When I grow up,
I will be strong enough to carry all the heavy things You have to haul around with you
When you're a grown up
And isn't it all just exhausting?
I fully realize that my list, while seeming like a LOT to ME, is likely not as severe a list as many of you have at the moment.
But I hit a wall, this morning, after talking with my dad, and listening to him sound ok, and listening to him breathe well, and talk about conference call with his doctors, and such.
hung up, and just lost my shit.
by myself.
at my desk.
in my living room.
My sis, god love her ( I certainly do ), simply reminded me that adulting is very hard right now.
And when I grow up
I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight
Beneath the bed each night
to be a grown up
Talked at length with a coworker yesterday. As has been the case of late, you start out talking about work, then just catch up with one another, because you've not seen nor spoken to them in quite awhile, and you USED to share your lives with one another, and enjoyed doing so....
He mentioned a situation with his dad, similar to my mom's. And uncertainty and frustration and all the stuff that goes along with THAT, in the midst of family members dealing with covid.
I shared my situation. He asked me if I knew what situational depression was, because he's finding himself struggling with it for the first time in his life.
And the lightbulb went off.
Yeah, buddy!
I know what that is. It's been 2 years since I last recognized it in myself, and was 3 years before THAT when I really became familiar with the concept...
the pure joy of feeling that recede, when the situation that's causing it resolves itself, is... wonderous.
But, fuck. it's a pandemic. When will THIS situation resolve itself?
adulting is very hard right now.
To refer to Matilda again, the heavy things and the monsters are... heavier, and more monstrous than we ever thought we'd have to deal with, I'm guessing.
day
after
day
after
day.....
And when I grow up
I will be smart enough to answer all the questions
That you need to know the answers to
Before you're grown up
Turns out... nope. Not even close.
At least I didn't wake up on the day of the final after not going to class all term... just dreamt that I did.....
