toys

I've been Simpson's fan since it began airing 20 years ago.
The annual Tree House of Horrors episodes around Halloween have always been some of my favorites.

One of the best was an episode titled "Clown Without Pity".
(Yeah, I DID have to look the title up.)

In it, Homer runs out at the last minute to buy Bart a birthday present, ends up getting him a "cursed" Talking Krusty the Clown doll.

Which ends up going all "Chucky" and chases Homer around the house with a butcher knife.
This goes on until a repairmen flips the evil Krusty over, and realized it had been set to the "evil" function, flipped the switch over to "Good" and they lived happily ever after.

Why'm I mentioning this?
Cuz it's my blog, and I can do whatever I want.

Oh, wait. That's not the reason.
Here's the reason.

I have a kid now. She has many battery-operated toys. They all make a variety of sounds.
And.... they make these sounds unprompted, at random intervals, and it's damn creepy.

Was talking to my wife on the phone yesterday. She was sitting in the rocking chair in the baby's room, feeding our daughter.
All the sudden, I heard a noise in the background.

"what the ???" my wife says.
Seems the LeapFrog alphabet caterpillar was making noises all the sudden, from inside the closet. The closet door was shut, but I could still hear it.
It kept repeating the letter "T".

"something probably shifted in there, fell on it, so the "T" leg is pushed down." I opined.

The baby finished feeding, and my wife walked over the closet door, and opened it.

Nothing was on or even near the toy.
"T!" "T!" "T!"
It stopped, when my wife opened the door, and then....
"Ok, goodbye!" and became silent.

"T" stands for "Time to turn that toy off".
And remove the batteries.
And douse it with holy water.
and then bury it's head in someone else's backyard....

We've a rocking horse that whinnies, seemingly at random. We think it gets lonely. We keep expecting to find it grazing on our rug, or drinking from the dog's water bowl.

We've a v-tech ball that lights up and moves by itself, and makes noise. If you leave it alone for too long, it calls attention to itself.
"Over Here!!!"
Uh, no. I think you'll be happier over..... here. in the cupboard. which we'll keep latched.

We've a magnetic barn on our 'frig. It makes animal noises. Not always when we want it to.
Honey, the refrigerator's squealing like a pig again. Let's order out.

Good friends of ours bought their daughter a V-Tech barn. It happily tells anyone who listens that it likes mud. But this sounds an awful lot like "I like blood." And once, completely unprompted, it said something that could only be interpreted to be "Get used to the color red."

Not too surprisingly, that toy is sans batteries on the top shelf of a closet somewhere in their house.

These little eccentricities are generally attributed to low battery power. I've got a big problem with toys getting petulant, when they need new batteries. low power = low activity. They need to become quiet, when their batteries are dying. And still.
Aww....the toy's sleeping........

If I knew that was the case, then maybe I, too, could sleep.

Forbes' list of miserable cities

Should anyone have actually read anything posted herein, they'd know of my fondness for Memphis, TN.

That's irony, by the way. My sphincter actually clenches whenver i have to drive through this city.
Not a fan.

Anyhow, Forbes published their annual list of the 10 most miserable cities in which to live this week.
Memphis was #2.
Of course it was!

surprisingly, Chicago, the very place in which I'm writing this, ranked # 3.

I never really framed it in these terms, but I can see how we might have made the list.

the reasons Forbes listed are:
10+% unemployment
Highest Sales Tax in the nation
Crappy weather
Political skullduggery.

I would have also added highest gasoline prices in the continental US, and sick-high property taxes.

So, we're third. And the local papers (one of which in bankruptcy right now and just sold the Cubs- Natch) were up in arms about it.
"Look at this picture of a happy person bya new landmark on THE warm day we had the other day! how can we be a miserable place to live?"

Oh, well. If the long legged chick with the camera enjoyed herself outside last Saturday by the big bean, when it was sunny and 60 degrees out, Forbes must be full of sh*t.

Obviously, this is Utopia, and similar enjoyment could not have been found anywhere else on an unseasonably sunny and warm day after thre months of terrible winter.

Fleshing out the top 10 were some pretty obvious choices, and perennial favorites.

Flint - duh, it's Flint! haven't you been paying attention?
Detroit - See Flint. Plus - the mayor went to jail last year.
Cleveland - It's been decades since their river burst into flames. Not sure why it's still not a happy place. my guess it's been hit hard by industrial down turns.
Buffalo - bad employment, I'm guessing, plus the most severe winters of any city in the United States. Want to be unemployed AND buried in snow for five months straight? move to Buffalo!

I didn't read the entire article, so am not 100% on top of the criteria they based this on, so I don't know why Stockton CA was # 1, nor why St. Louis eked out some other sad place to make the top 10.

I do know that Chicago's #3 in misery, and I've been feelin' it the last few months.
Long, particularly miserable winter? check
tight job market? check
Wife's business not doing as well as it was a few months ago? check.

And my sick-high property tax bill's due in a couple of weeks.


Could be worse, though.
I could live in Memphis.

more cabin fever combat, and important dog poo stories 2/9

Went to the Tinley Park Fishing expo yesterday. Met a friend for breakfast nearby, and then we headed over to the show from there.

Some very wise man thought up a great idea a few years ago. Host a big fishing show at your high school as a big fundraiser. probably have over a thousand paying customers through your door a day at $5 a pop, plus vendor booth fees...


Fuck the Worlds Finest Chocolate sale.

It's the 3rd time, I think, that I've gone to this show. Early Feb. is usually the perfect time of year to wander around one of these things, as cabin fever has really set in by this point.

I think I spent $5.50 total on new gear, and picked up some guide and fishing location info for central Wisconsin. My buddy, who has greater amount of discretionary income and greater need for gear, had a very successful morning.

People watching (and smelling) is always interesting there.

Ironically, this remedy for cabin fever happened to fall on an unseasonably warm weekend. It was about five degrees out last year when I went. It was about 45 degrees warmer this year.

So was able to spend a fair amount of time outside. I miss outside. So I really kicked cabin fever's ASS last weekend. It needed a good ass kicking.

We took our daughter for her first big outdoor walk on sunday. Went to a nearby land preserve with a paved walking path, to avoid getting splashed by traffic, navigating piles of snow with the stroller, and huge mud puddle. Fewer obstacles, and a lovely scenic backdrop.
That's a win / win, my friends.

Didn't really count on the dog poo, however. Seems people get lazy about cleaning up after their dogs when there's snow on the ground. Who knew?

So when the snow melts, all that's left is 4 months worth of poo. It seemed like it was EVERYWHERE.
So we had to steer her around some things, but it was great watching her walk, and she walked more than she had ever done, up to this point.
It was the slowest walk I've been on since I was....well, her age, probably. she's brilliant, adorable and showing signs of developing a great sense of humour, but she is NOT speedy.

We had a fantastic time!
and now it's cold again.

a fishing story - from my archives

From weekend of 7/13/07 -7/15/07 - Twin Lakes, MI

Got lost on friday the 13th, 11pm, SW MI, trying to get to a house I've been to several times before.
Seems there are no street lights, and few street signs in the middle of nowhere, SW MI, and good luck with the cell signal.
thank goodness I had my very pregnant wife with me, to add just a little more pressure....
I was almost desperate enough to stop in a bar we passed, walk in, say "Hi, i'm one of those FIP's you all love to hate, and I'm lost, who wants to help me out?" almost, but not quite. made it eventually, I'd say we took the scenic route, but it was too dark to see anything.

woke up early saturday morning.
Real early.

Seemed the dog wanted to be let out of the bedroom. the sun was almost up, my wife had just recently gotten back to sleep, so I figured I'd get up with the dog.
Not another soul was stirring at 6am, EST, which is saying something, as there were aprox 12 adults and 10 children on the premises.
That's a lot of possible stirring souls...

I had brought a pole and 1/2 dozen surface lures with me, with the assumption that I'd probably get 1/2 hour of solitary quiet dock-time in, if I was lucky. I tied on a frog patterned hula popper, started the coffee pot, and waited for someone else to get out of bed, so they could hang with the dog.
Dog + lake does not = quiet solitary dock fishing.

Finally I was sprung, when my 7 year old nephew came in from tent sleeping. he gave me a hug. I offered him a cup of coffee. He thought I was hilarious. "OK, how about a chocolate chip cookie?" he took one. "Y'know, they tast great, with a cup of coffee."
He rolled his eyes at me.
I get this a lot.
Got cereal bowls down for the parade of children who seem to have all woke up at the same time, left the milk on the table, and scooted.
walking onto the dock, looking out at the weed beds beyond its' end as I stepped onto it, I spooked 1/2 dozen bass that were hanging out under a paddle boat, 2 feet from shore, in about 8 inches of water.
sonofa.......
Put down my coffee, began casting. Immediately had a fish on, and lost it. 2 minutes later, another fish on, another fish lost, another sip of coffee.
Many small bodies and a couple larger ones start filing out the kitchen door onto the porch, clutching individually sized boxes of fruit loops, coffee cups...
Time was running out for happy quiet dock time....
Another fish one, and I landed it. Smallmouth. 9 inches. Nephew sees me doing this, came running out to see it.
I would have let him release it, except - still clutching the fruit loops.
All the sudden, the fishing pole became a child magnet.
I continued to cast, as I heard the re-telling of a children story, where the main character hooked something big, but didn't know what it was.
It ended up being a turtle. Good story. I've actually done this.

I had another fish on, but wasn't giving it my full concentration... fish off. Child #2, who was all of about three years old, saw my lure, and praised me for catching a frog. Had to explain that it wasn't a real frog, and I didn't catch it.. I cast again, I reel in again.
"did you catch one?"
No, kiddo, not this time. Two more kids showed up on the shore, brandishing what appeared to be butterfly nets. "we'll help you catch some!" they said, approaching the waters edge.
"hey, that'll be great! how about you wait a couple more minutes though, OK?"
I cast out, watch a couple very small bass swat at my lure on the retrieve, which was not hard to see, because I was fishing in a about 18 inches of water.
The kids all made noise when this happened. I finish reeling in. "Did you catch one?" "no I didn't, young lady." "I'm not a young lady, I'm a girl!"
"how about I just call you Emily?"
"OK! how come you're not catching any fish?"

I'm sure I don't know.

And that, my friends, is my fishing report from Big Twin lake, Mi. And, I must confess: It was a blast. Except I couldn't talk any of them into getting me a re-fill on the coffee whle I was standing out there. Maybe next time...

thoughts on driving through memphis

I'm traveling to new orleans soon, on business.
An old friend, who's afraid of flying, asked how I was getting down there.
Flying, of course.

Told her that I'd flown many times, and also driven through Memphis many times, and i find driving through Memphis to be more harrowing.

Which got me to thinkin' back....



Memphis.

Ah, Memphis.

A city known for social disease, vehicular homicides, and crimes against women.
I'm not making this up. these were factors that helped the city make the 10 worst places to live for women, a couple years back.

As outlined in Guns and Garden magazine.

Ok, I made that part up. Not the name of the magazine, it's a real magazine (see previous posts). But the article was actually in US News Report or something similar.

Memphis: Also known for good BBQ, Elvis, Sun Records, and one really good radio station, so it has it's good points, too.


Anyhow:

First time I drove through Memphis, we stopped for breakfast up the street from Graceland. It was about around 2am.
The woman working the grill at the Gridiron cafe (where Elvis used to go when he'd sneak out for peanut butter banana snandwiches, it said on the wall there) told us right off that she was into her third straight shift, cuz noone else showed up. She'd been taking orders and cooking for almost 24 hours straight.
And it was right out of My Cousin Vinny. We put our orders in, she turned around, got a big scoop of lard out of can, and threw it on the grill.

We'd been driving for many hours, so thought to relieve ourselves.
the men's room door was blocked.
With a body.
The body spoke to us when we tried to open the door.
"Use the other one" a demonic sounding voice croaked up at us from the bathroom floor.
A fine idea! Thanks for suggesting it.

Best part of that first drive through Memphis, besides the company I kept, was the security guard that came speeding up to us when we got out of the car at the gates of Graceland. We figured he was there to chase us away.
It WAS 3am after all.
He was a lonely soul, it turns out, and was happy for the company. Somewhere there are pictures of the me and my companions, posing in front of the Graceland sign.
At 3:00am.

In the rain.

2nd drive through Memphis was on the return trip home. We got sideswiped by a semi. That left a mark.

This was almost 12 years ago. I've likely driven through Memphis a dozen and a half times since then.

Each way.

It's the only city I've ever driven through, where you have to exit the highway 2x, to... stay on the highway.

I've seen semi tractor trailers lying upside down in the middle of an off-ramp. not tipped over, not rolled and mushed. Upside down, clean and neat. Like it was picked up by a giant hand, and turned over, and put gently back down.
Not surprisingly, there were a number of people standing around it, scratching their heads.

Only city in which I've consistently either missed or almost missed the exact same exit?
Memphis.
An exit, by the way, that you MUST take, to...remain on the highway you're already driving on.

The one time thus far in my life that my engine light's gone on, while on a big road trip?

7am on a Sunday morning in, drumroll please..... Memphis.
And just what do you suppose you can do about an engine light, at 7am on a sunday morning in Memphis?

Keep driving, of course. Always the best choice, when considering options in Memphis.

This is why we call my sister, every single time we make it through Memphis unscathed. She was driving when the semi hit us, all those trips ago. It's kind of a joke now, a joke that just never gets old.

"hello?"
"We made it through memphis!!!!"
"yay!"

both tids AND bits

Was reading our local village newspaper this morning while eating a bowl of cheerios. A paper largely devoid of any real news.
It leads with announcing what student won a green competition, and listing info about chamber of commerce dinner.
Best part of the paper is the police column, listing notable arrests.

90% of the weekly list is comprised of South Side Chicago residents being arrested for trying to steal $42.63 worth of merchandise from Evergreen Park's Walmart.
Or $19.37,
or $62.51...

Misdemeanor petty theft, from the cheap-ass department store...
I guess you can steal more for your money, at a place like Walmart.
I can't wait to see THAT ad campaign.

The city of Chicago would not allow Walmart to open a store on it's beleaguered West side, or anywhere else within city limits.

So my village quick stepped up and welcomed Walmart to open a store as close to the city as they possibly could.
It's a mess, not too shockingly. I try not to give Ol' Sam Walton any of my money, on principle.
I avoid this particular Walmart, in particular.

Anyhow... one blotter item piqued my curiosity.
a Nineteen year old village resident was arrested for allegedly (it's always "allegedly" of course) steeling two candy bars, and TWO TUBES OF CREST TOOTHPASTE, from a gas station.
What, no toothbrush?
How's he gonna do a good job on the back teeth, where cavities start, without a good toothbrush?

I'm all for good dental hygiene, especially after eating sugary snacks, so I have to applaud his choices.

Bush leaves office today.

It's kind of a relief, though hollow, due to damage his administration was allowed to do.
I think my daughter said it best, when she said "Bye Bye Poo Poo."
I think she was talking about something else, so context might be different, but sentiment's dead on.

Took my daughter to an "open gym" for toddlers on Sunday, at a nearby racquet club. We walked in, and there are literally hundreds of little kids running around, with their adults in tow.
"Wow" I whispered to my wife.
"This totally reminds me of a dog park."

It was awesome, by the way, and we'll be going back. floor covered in gym mats, trampolines, toys everywhere, balls, frisbees,slides, every piece of gymnastics equipment you can imagine..... awesome.

we had to park two blocks away, which was a bit of a drag on a cold winter afternoon.

And it didn't HAVE to be that way. I do not exaggerate, when I state that 1/10th of the parking spots were wasted in this lot, due to a huge percentage of the parents simply not giving a shit about anyone else. There's simply no other explanation. It was the worst communal parking job we'd ever seen.

Wait there's a spot up there on the.... nope. Ok, over there, in the next aisle....nope
wow, they really took up three spots, how did they do that?
maybe in the last aisle.....nope. But 6 cars in a row did park straight, in angled parking spots. Open gym's only for an hour, time for plan B....

Turns out, I'm in violation, of something....I think.

Got an interesting item in the mail yesterday.
A ticket from one of those automated photo-enforcement dealies.

It listed the aprox. address, showed a picture of my car stopped at a red light, and gave reason for ticket simply as "red light violation".

Uh....

So I'm looking at this thing.
First thing I notice is that it's not on letterhead identifying it as being from Chicago PD, or Chicago dept. of Traffic Enforcement.

The letterhead ID's the sender as " REVENUE".

No shit, really? At least they're being honest about it.

So I'm looking at the picture of my car, stopped at a red light, looks like I'm going to turn right.
Then a picture of NO car at the intersection.
Then I look for an explanation of my infraction.
What law did I break?
And..... it doesn't say.

Nowhere on the ticket does it say that I failed to yield, didn't come to a complete stop before turning, my front tire was one inch past the white line, I jaywalked, spat on the sidewalk, removed the tag from my mattress, chewed gum in class.....

So I'm confused. "red light violation" doesn't really explain it, does it? I know I didn't run a red light, as I DONT RUN RED LIGHTS!!!
Especially not in bad weather, on sloppy roads, with a baby in the back seat.
So we'll see what happens when I argue this, via the mail.

I'm bothered by the notion that a random camera that the city leases from a 3rd party company; a company who in turn promises a minimum # of tickets per camera to get the contract, and gets a piece of the proceeds from the tickets; determined me to be guilty until proven innocent, of some inadequately explained breaking of a law.

The internet is full of stories of these cameras being vandalized, and a growing movement to get them banned in various states and locales, and I GET IT.

On the plus side of life, my daughter gave me a kiss goodnight last night. All on her own accord. I asked for a hug before handing her off to her mom to be put to bed, and she gave me one, then puckered up and gave me a smooch. She's 17 months old, this was a first.
She melts my heart, every time.