The evolution of adventure - the introduction of fretting

So, was chatting with an old friend the other day, catching up on lives, what we've got going on, etc.

This friend's a great guy for catching up.   Good sense of humor, wicked sharp and quick.

Was telling me that he had a weekend getaway adventure coming up, with just he and his wife.
They're going to a hotel in a bigger city.
What's on the itinerary?
Eating, talking.  Probably sometimes both at the same time.  

Man, that sounded pretty nice.      Not high on the adventure meter, but well earned for them.

Told him of my at-the-time unformed plans for a couple of days in Los Angeles, just around the corner.    The at-the-time unformed part was weighing on me a bit.  I was... fretting.  
One of my many goals for the new year is to fret less often, and I was off to a rocky start.

Biggest fret was uncertainty of where I'd be "crashing".

My friend, who knows this first hand more than anyone else I know, opined that this uncertainty was part of the romance, 25+ years ago, when you're doing it by design.   If you walk all night or catch a nap on a park bench somewhere in Europe because the random just didn't pan out that day... what a great adventure, a great story, a great memory......


But if it's NOT part of the plan....


Crashing.    A word that meant a lot more, 25 years ago.    A corner, a couch, a spare blanket... that was all that was needed.  It was the place you laid your head, gently or otherwise, at the end of your night.     And you frequently didn't know where that would be, until you realized it was the end of the night, and looked around.....

Dude, don't sweat it.  you can crash on my couch.  Here's a spare pillow.    

If you were lucky, there might even have been an old blanket available.

My favorite was a dilapidated fold out love seat in my buddy Neil's basement.  I used it frequently enough that I should have had a drawer there for a change of clothes and a toothbrush....  If your weight was too far toward the head of it, you'd flip the whole thing up like a teeter totter.  
That's value added, right there.

Most of us, at this point in our adult lives (unless you're one my younger readers.  Or the ONE younger reader....), might still use the word without thinking about it, but we're not as interested in crashing.  We've oftentimes others who will be needing to crash, too.   Spouse. kids.....  
Now, in word or not, we're asking to "Stay".  
"Can we stay at your place?" You ask, usually of someone who's home is a home now, and not just a convenient place for falling asleep and putting your shit.  
"Of course!" might be the answer, as the person begins mentally shuffling their family members around and thinking about towels and bedding.  

I've got absolutely no problem with doing it this way now.    I've worked hard to elevate my own level of existence over the last 25 years, to where I'm used to NOT sleeping on a floor.   And I know my friends have all done the same.   I don't need turn down service, but embrace the bougie-ness of not sleeping in a car.

But there's something lost in this middle aged need for comfort and stability and making sure your people are taken care of.    The "Fuck it" is kind of gone.  What constitutes "the adventure" is more and more just the stuff you plan to do "when you get there".  Instead of... the getting there.

Probably went away incrementally.  
Started with that one night where you found yourself driving at midnight still, further and further north in Wisconsin, because of two plus hours of no vacancies, each fruitless exit making you picture  hitting the MN north shore after being up for 28 hours straight, until you luck into the very last room at some random place so far away from everywhere that it must exist only to cater to... people like us.   Oh, and you got that very last room  because you decided NOT to hold the door for the folks who pulled in right behind you.  Lack of courtesy wins!  You get the key, and turn around, and see the dozen folks who have been going through the exact same thing.  A lobby full of dumb asses who are re-thinking their "Fuck it".

Then a bit more "Fuck it" melts away when you find that the hotel you reserved weeks ago, normally NOT full this time of year, is packed to the gills because some local issue with army reserve facilities, and that every other hotel that's not terrible in all of Blytheville, AR is similarly full up.  

Know what's near Blytheville, AR, my friends?   NOTHING.   just 80 minutes more interstate to a major city that's known for domestic abuse and vehicular homicide, and another couple hours further to... the next place down the road....

And then there was the time you tried finding two hotel rooms in the middle of nowhere during spring break, and the first 10 places you looked at were sold out because it's the middle of nowhere where everyone stops on their way to and from.. .spring break.  

And "fuck it" becomes "Fuck that" and you decide it's better to fret, going forward.


But, with the assurance from my buddy in L.A. that one way or the other, I will not get shanked by a homeless person for stealing their bench... I've chucked fretting.  
This time.
It's part of the adventure.       The likes of which I've not had the good fortune to have in far too long.

And I'm looking forward to it.  

People. Tradition.

So it’s 8am on the Friday before Christmas, as I write this. I have a full cup of coffee, but not for long. My wife’s in the other room, likely finalizing the list of what must be done today, in preparation for the holiday weekend.

This is the calm before the storm, in other words.

So much about the holiday season is discussed in terms of storms, chaos, losing ones’ mind… It’s amazing that most of us still look forward to it, year after year, whatever form it may take for you, my reader. And it really IS amazing.

Think about it. No, really, think about it for a moment.

I need more coffee. I’ll be right back…
…Cup is full again, and came with a small plate of cookies.

Oopsie.

For the vast majority of us, no matter our cultural and spiritual affiliations, December is a busy month.And we are already a busy people. And yet, here we are again.

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends….”  

– William Shakespeare, from Henry V

I blame people, and tradition. We tend to like people. And we value our traditions.

When we have the opportunity to combine the two, we determine that it’s well worth the… hassle.

So I will finish this and my 2nd cup of coffee, and begin cleaning diligently. My wife’s already started prepping food for tomorrow’s family gathering. We are doing this on… not nearly enough sleep, because we were at a very nice party last night with a bunch of people, friends that were simply happy to be there, and to be celebrating the season with each other. We all spoke of our own chaotic plans and crazy schedules, and we did so with joy because of what the chaos and craziness brings us.

People.

Tradition.

This is a re-print of an article I wrote for Stridepost, two years ago.   Re-publishing here with permission.

Christmas thoughts 2017

Coffee is gone (parting is such sweet sorrow)

Laundry is started

Mouse traps are placed (little $%^^& had a loud party in a vent by my bed, at 2a this morning...)

I'm sitting at my dining room table, looking out the window at the snow covered fields, and thinking about my life, and about the holidays.

This year, I'm trying something new.   I'm just going to embrace all things christmas, without reservation.    I know we all have our role to play, and mine's traditionally been that of a good-hearted curmudgeon, but... not this year, baby.

You want to listen to christmas music, and it's the day BEFORE Thanksgiving?  No problem, sweetie.  

Turn that shit up!

"Is there christmas music somewhere on the radio?" she asked the other night, on the way to a riding lesson.    

"I don't know.  But I'll find out while you're riding." 

Which involved rifling through the owner's manual, as I've not used the radio since I bought the car, relying almost exclusively on my iPhone for music and podcasts.   

Once educated on the details of working my car's stereo.... there are TWO local radio stations playing christmas music, and I've programmed BOTH of them in.    

So, yeah, working at the whole "just say yes / enthusiasm" thing this year.

Because.... I really need to.     It's part of me simply trying to be a kinder, more empathetic person, all the time.   Or at least... a lot more often.     

I've been re-visiting some of the good takeaways from a Dale Carnegie class, of late.    

Something that's stuck with me since I took the class, out of desperation of an un-fixably toxic work situation almost three years ago.  

You decide how you're going to act and re-act to other people, and ultimately, how you'll look at life and the world around you.    You get to make that choice, every single time.   The goal is to do it with enough frequency and consistency that it becomes the norm, not a novel experiment.  Like anything else worth doing, you practice and train to get better...

Being mindful enough, in the moment, to make the decision, instead of automatically reacting, is the tricky part.

And while I'm not there yet, I'm gaining.    

Insert dialog from Bill Murray's speech at the end of Scrooged, here.   

Life is never... boring.   Seems you get right on some levels, and something else happens that you were not expecting.   There's always SOMETHING that will appear on the scene to trip you up, and keep you down.        

But it's still Christmas.    It's still a time that's very important to those I love and who are important to me, and because of that - I shall not pee in the holiday punch any longer.       

I will play christmas music when noone is around to see me do it.

I will say "yes", more.    

I will embrace all of it, to the best of my ability.

I will be a better man for having done so.  

So, yeah.    My christmas thoughts this year.     Take the time to practice NOT letting the bad things guide your choices.   Appreciate what you DO have, instead of lamenting what you do not.

Play christmas music, without reservation.     

Turn that shit up.

Thanksgiving Football

Walked through the break area this morning, and lost 2 IQ points by glancing up at FOX on the TV.   
I wasn't using those two, anyhow. Hard hitting news this morning?  All the viewers sending in messages about how they're going to ban the thanksgiving football game in their house tomorrow. 
I call bullsh*t. And not just because I LOVE that word. Which i do. A lot. I'm refraining from typing it over and over right now. 

I'm not saying a few won't actually follow through, but overall - b*llshit. 

Firstly, because.... we say shit.   All the time. We talk a good outrage, a good new life plan a good... whatever.   But the reality is, it's generally just that.   Talk.
And nothing more.
But specific to this topic - You either don't watch it to begin with, or you'll watch it. Because that's what people do, every year, automatically, on Thanksgiving;  It's a tradition, on a day built and maintained on tradition. 
If you aren't staring glassy-eyed at the TV, running in and out of the living room for scores, or simply saying "Oh, I'll eat in the living room because of space", what will you do instead? 
You're already crabby because you smashed your Keurig in solidarity with Hannity, so you had to run out and buy an actual coffee maker at the last minute because your guests are going to want coffee. You've forced yourself to be civil and grunt at one another for a couple of hours already.   
Or you'll intend not to watch, but SOMEONE(s) at your gathering will get upset because they can't watch TV, and... a TV will go on. Does it still count if it's the TV on top of the beer refrigerator in the garage? 
Yes.   

But most of you  -  NEED that football game. 
You'll watch from the very beginning, so that you can point at those opting to take a respectful knee, and make loud, probably-on-some-level-racist comments about them, and feel more patriotic the process.  Nobody fought and died for your freedom to take a knee! they did it for the flag!!!!  'Murica! You'll be doing this, by the way, from the comfort of your lazy-boy.   You won't be standing, MAGA hat removed, hand over heart, in your living room.   You will not get see the irony. 
The irony and hypocrisy WILL escape you, because your very outrage is based on your inability to understand nuance and concepts that do not fit into your narrow, privileged world view. 
And the math of the after-math will escape you as well.    If ratings drop at all from previous years, victory will be claimed, even though the # of fewer viewers will be but a very small percent of the # of folks voicing outrage.     Victory will be claimed, via tweet. 

Of COURSE all of the above is based AN OVERSIMPLIFIED VIEW OF HOW THOSE WHO HAVE A DIFFERENT WORLDVIEW THAN MINE, live their lives. 
That's kind of the point.   A harsh illustration of the fundamental wrongness of living ones' life in this manner. 
So... how about we all try to do better? 

Whatever you do, whatever traditions you hold dear or choose to discard... may your thanksgiving be a time of positive reflection and fellowship. 

Lucky.

Last week,  I didn't win a new car.
Didn't win restaurant gift certificates, or paid days off, either.
Or one of those really expensive, high quality coolers that promises to keep ice all... icey, for many days...
No reserved parking space, no 42" flatscreen...


(Sidebar.   Why do they still bother stressing that the TV is a flatscreen?  They're the only TV you can buy now.   Can't you just call 'em TV's?)

And while it's not yet official, I'd be shocked to find tomorrow that I won a 50/50 raffle, that's raising funds for a  co-worker whose wife went into labor 6 weeks early, while visiting her folks out of state, that last hurrah before parenthood.

Baby weighed three lbs at birth, and is still in the hospital.  I'm wishing them all the good luck one can wish upon another.

But as far as my own?

I do not win things.

This, you see, is how I roll.

Last weekend, I spent $2 on a square, and finally got 7 and 7.   Woot!!!!   And... four quarters of weird scores.  At least UofM lost....


You know those "you may already be a winner" messages, notes etc?
I get ones that say "Here are some things you already didn't win."
Kind of a waste of postage, if you ask me.

So, for over a quarter of a century,  I've been not winning at charity raffles, lotteries, black jack, and slot machines.  Most of the time it's for charity, so I'm just glad to contribute what I can toward a good cause.

I did win one raffle.  Once.   The grand prize.  I was the envy of a whole office building. At least a significant portion of it....   I  won a very nice set of golf irons.

I do not, oddly enough, play golf.

I can only hope that whomever re-won them at the charity golf outing to which I donated them, got more use.  I hope they walked away feeling, if just for a few minutes, like... a winner.  A lucky guy.

Oddly enough, I still feel like a pretty lucky guy.

Years ago, I caught a Master Angler size flat head catfish.
Damn thing was ginormous, took me a half hour to land.  

Pretty sweet, right?

But then you find out I was actually fishing for salmon.    And the reel I was using for the first time backlashed, and I had to spend a few minutes untangling it, and reeling it back up, and as I was doing that...I felt the fish hit.   Lucky, while unlucky, but got lucky with the unlucky part because I knew how to fix it, and then the master angler size inedible monster instead of a salmon.

Which, I found out years later, I might have a serious allergy to.  

I lost track at this point, but.... I think I was lucky.

I'm sitting here while my wife and daughter eat dinner.   My daughter whose sense of humor is becoming much like my own, and can turn a phrase perfectly, to my great appreciation.  She's amazing on, like... 17 different levels.    Occasionally maddening, but I've never lost sight of the fact that her mere existence on this planet.. lucky.

My wife who, while as equally or even more susceptible as I to the stress and uncertainty that have been our lives the last 2.5 years, has stuck it out by my side.  We're a bit singed, and scraped up, but are starting to appreciate that we finally are having the future we've been wishing for, since we moved back to MI.

Sitting in my 150 year old farmhouse, a bit beat up but beautiful and with an amazing history, watching them eat dinner because my post-work errands didn't take as long as my their post-school errands, so I ate earlier.    I got to sit in my chair and read a book for an hour.   On a weeknight!

I've got baby chickens flourishing on the front porch, that will be old enough to put outside soon, in time for winter.  We thought we were going to miss the narrow fall season on chicks, because of our full weekends of music festivals and northern island getaways.  I took a chance the day after we got back from the last weekend adventure, and... got lucky.
The store had said, weeks earlier, that they'd be done with chicks by then...
If we had not been able to get new chicks, we probably would have had to give our two remaining adult chickens away, as they, the two of them, are not enough to keep each other warm all winter.   They've little enthusiasm for the upstarts on the front porch, but they'll keep each other alive, come January.



So....  Tonite I'm reminded of fact that I do have decent, occasionally odd luck, at least sometimes.   It might be more subtle than triple 7 on a slot machine, or winning a new car through my work's United Way campaign, but I'll not turn up my nose at it.  

College rivalaries.... or something else?

Yeah, so…. I’m done with college rivalries.

Honestly, I was never all that into them to begin with.  And to the extent I WAS, it was pretty laid back, and used to continue friendships.   Like calling my friend Gretchen, half-drunk from an MSU alumni bar a few years ago, because State won.

Like that.

Not to be obnoxious (I wasn’t), or rub her face in it (I didn’t, she’s a friend), but simply because I knew we’d both laugh about it, and a way to let her know I was thinking of her,  and that’s what friends do.

I realized that I’ve grown weary of all of it, this morning.  

I was at work, and it was tailgate day because of the game tomorrow, and I was in a room fairly well populated with what are referred to as Walmart Wolverines – Those rabid supporters that have never set foot in an University of Michigan classroom, but tend to be the most obnoxious of supporters, in person, and on social media.     

Not all of them, certainly, and I want to make sure to state it for the record.  

I’ve family members that fall into this category, that of rabid fandom without having attended.  And our interactions are always friendly and courteous, when football is discussed.   Good natured, in other words.  The rivalry, in this case, gives us common ground to walk upon, albeit briefly. I value it. It’s… nice.   Or at least nice enough. 

We have differing allegiances, but it’s not such a bone of contention that it causes problems…..

But for so many, it’s not friendly nor courteous nor… nice.

“Michigan STATE?!?! I hate you!”  Was in lieu of “Good Morning”, this morning.       Meh. 

I grinned and shrugged my shoulders and moved on. 

Social media’s the worst.   

Because… it’s social media.  

Nothing curdles the milk of human kindness quicker...

You make the mistake of reading comments on a post (how many of us swore to stop doing THAT…) and are inundated with half-witted garbage men (a legit example, not making this one up) and others, who are simply nasty and insulting in their support,  and quick to name-call, quick to anger, and quick to say “Oh yeah, well what about that one time that OSU or MSU or…anyone not UofM’s player did that one bad thing….” .

Rinse, lather, repeat.  X 1,000,000.

It’s gotten old, has no real positive purpose, serves only to further divide us, and I’m weary of it.

“Is he still talking about college rivalries?”  You may ask.

Would you have asked that, two years ago?  

To be honest, that very issue is another reason why my tolerance for sports rivalry nonsense has taken a hit.    What was once good-natured ribbing has gotten ugly.

And what was once relegated to Sox vs. Cubs, Mets Vs. Yankees, UofM vs. MSU (or OSU or…), has permeated our national discourse on all topics political, scientific, and related to gun violence.   

MSU vs. UofM... a microcosm, if you will.

    

And after the last week... I'm simply weary of it.

So, I hope everyone enjoys the game, and are friendly and good natured in their post-game gloating.

Go green!  

Helping your kids to feel safe, in troubled times........

(another article I originally wrote for stridepost.com.  I re-publish it here, with their friendly thumbs up.)

So, there’s been a lot going on in the world, of late, much of it worrisome. What was once unheard of, has become a regular occurrence.

Depending on how much exposure to the world’s affairs your kids have, you likely are finding yourselves having conversations with them that you never thought you’d have to have.

As parents, we want to make sure our kids feel loved, valued, and safe.

I had a long talk about this with my daughter, as I held her in my arms when she was just a couple of hours old.

Promises were made. 

So, nine years later, to the day… How to help your kids feel safe.

A very helpful article from PBS.org suggests several common sense ways to help with this, a couple of which really stood out for me.

• Turn off the media.  24 hour news channels love a good tragedy. It’s unhealthy for us, as adults, to watch too much coverage, it’s even more so for our kids.

• Don’t avoid answering questions, but don’t over do it on unnecessary details. It’s a good idea, when doing so, to ask them what they’ve heard, first.

Another article about keeping kids feeling safe in stressful times offers up a couple more useful pieces to the puzzle.

• Encourage your kids to express their fears and concerns. Be it by talking about them, drawing them or writing about them. Their increased understanding about themselves and what’s making them feel the way they feel, is valuable.

• Offer hope, and assure them you’re in it together.

Common threads throughout the above articles and others, like this one emphasize the reassuring nature of maintaining your routine; the value of a little extra attention and affection; and if your kids are old enough, talking with them about possible actions or activities in which they can take part, so they feel less powerless.

Most of the topics I’ve been asked to write about over the last year or so, share an important theme.

Your kids are watching you.   They learn from watching you. They take their queues from watching you.   When they’re worried, they’re not just listening to what you’re telling them, they’re watching you. Show them confidence and assurance. Your verbal reassurance will not carry weight if you don’t. This is, frequently, easier said than done, but…

Promises were made.