“Hey, let’s go to Toys R Us, right before Christmas!” OR “tis the season to be jolly, my dimpled butt….”

Random Thoughts and quotes from a delightful trip to Toys R US on a Saturday afternoon, three weeks before Christmas.

Thoughts in Italics. Quotes…not in italics.

More or less.

Well, a parking spot behind the store by the dumpster, right next to a front end loader’s still a parking spot…

“Loins all girded up?” as we reach the entrance…

“Seriously? SERIOUSLY????” 90 seconds later.

"we're back to on-line shopping next year. screw the postage." I whisper to Wendy, as I see what we're in for.

Two minutes later: “I’m gonna throw up” as I find myself too close to the most disgusting couple I’ve ever seen outside of those sleeping on el trains. I turn around quickly, and cover my nose with my coat sleeve. Wendy starts to pass me. I grab her shoulder.

“You don’t want to do that.” I warn her, as my stomach subsides.
“Not sure how they did it, but I’m pretty sure they’ve been smoking cat pee.”

“Did you see the McDonalds drive thru play store? Want to teach Fiona to say ‘do you want fries with that?’”
“Something kinda disheartening about the fact that little kids want to play ‘fast food restaurant employee’. Glad Fiona wants to be a cowgirl AND a veterinarian…”

“It’s on the ‘boy’s side’ of the store? You’ve got the store split up between boys side and girls side?”
(what is this, a Jr. High School dance?)
I was assured that not only is this the case, but a slinky dog is a boy’s toy.
As are board games, blocks, puzzles and all electronica, apparently.

And apparently, using same store design logic, all toddlers are… girls.
And boys should not have stuffed animals.
Or sleds.
Or yo yo’s or doctors kits or…

“Sweet geezus I hate this place.”

We found what we wanted, eventually, or as close to it as we were to get at this store.
Baby doll accessories are pretty clearly “girl side” items, so it wasn’t difficult. Trying to find anything else, since we were there and already miserable, was nearly impossible.

Oh, and the only slinky dog in the place - ON THE GIRLS SIDE OF THE STORE!!!!
“Where’s little Ms. Customer Service?!?? I want to show her….”
“Let it go.”
And I let the slinky dog go, too, as it was a cheap plastic one designed for toddlers, and not the one I was looking for.

We get in line, and… stay there. For several soul-eating lifetimes.

Finally, it was our turn, next. When out of nowhere, we were approached by a guy who had one item, and didn’t want to wait in line like everyone else. He assured us he had cash in hand for it, and could we please… We sere standing there with three whole items in our cart. $25 worth of toys for all of our time and trouble and loss of soul….
“Sure, go ahead.”
When he thanked us and whisked in front of us, is when we realized he reeked of alcohol.
“Cocktails first, THEN Toys R Us…. I can see the appeal…”

Finally, we paid for our purchase, after assuring the check out person that we were not interested in opening a charge account today (or ever!!!!) thanks.

“I think I just caught scabies.”
“You did NOT just catch scabies.”

We walk through the door, out into the parking lot.

“Car exhaust never smelled so good.”
Wendy busted out laughing.
“Thank god I didn’t have to go through that by myself.”

“Hey let’s go to Walmart next!” My wife says, not quite keeping a straight face.
“Sounds great! Or we could play in traffic…”

We get in our car, behind the store, next to the front end loader, near the dumpster. Other cars see this, and eagerly await their turn to enjoy our crappy parking spot.
“Suckers!!! Flee!!!! FLEE!!!!!”

I put the car in gear, back out, smile and wave to the people who blocked traffic so I could back out and they could pull in. They smile and wave back.

“Let’s go get custard. We earned it. “