Put the book down around 10p, after a long, busy day. Morning was rough, but it got better, for which I am grateful.
Lights out, drifting off...... my wife comes down from putting my daughter to bed, and.... I'm awake.
and I toss and turn and do the hokey pokey for awhile, until I finally get to the point where I'm juuuussstttt drifting off again..... The water pump in the basement goes off. Slow and loud.
shit.
And then the late night freight train... You can hear it coming from a mile away, slowly, steadily making it's way through the night, through the woods, until it's behind your 150 year old farm house, at which point you can not only hear it, you can feel it, like an 80 car subwoofer going one mile an hour...
And I begin to regret the ice cream I ate before bed, was THAT why I'm wide awake now, because of all of the sugar?
And the pump went off again.
And then the soft water unit regenerated
and then my daughter woke up, and i was wide awake so heard her coming down the stairs, and met her there, so as not to wake up my wife. Glanced at the clock....12:30
Sat with my daughter for a few minutes, a pre-agreed upon amount of time, got an extra kiss and hug for my effort, came back downstairs.....
Another freakin' train, really???? we go days and days without one, but tonite.....
And then the pump, and then the dog starts barking in her sleep, and then....
It's 1:30 and I'm still awake.
And I break down and take a sleep aid, and eagerly await for it to take effect. That slow release, the tingling in the feet and hands, that gradually spreads up the arms and legs, the moment when your thoughts get garbled a bit, and you get irritated, only to realize that this is a GOOD thing, and you welcome it, letting it in.....
Or.. not so much, as your daughter's back up, your wife's getting out of bed.... and it's 2:30....
And it might just be the (not so helpful) sleep aid talking, but.... I am not having fun.
And bed is SUPPOSED to be a fun, happy place!
The pump in the basement goes off again.... Why's it doing that? Dammit, I better go check the basement.... it's fine. And I'm walking around at 2:30 in the morning, with un-productive drugs in my bloodstream... That should also be more fun than it appears to be.
And the way my old farmhouse is set up, if I get up, come out to the living room and turn on the TV, the noise will go up the stairs into my daughter's room.
I haven't had a night like this in many months, and back then, it was work-driven. 3am was the time of day where I'd lay awake and think about all the work that was not yet complete.....
Finally, drifted off.... for a couple of hours, until my wife came down stairs again after falling asleep with my daughter the 2nd time she got up...
It's not yet light out, I am NOT getting up, dammit.
So, it's now a gorgeous Saturday morning, and I'm having a cup of coffee, and watching something to encourage life positivity, which I've been struggling with the last few days.
You put it out there, and keep it out there, until something comes along that's contrary to it, and... you go off the rails a bit, in seconds. And it takes days and, apparently, nights to try to get your head back on track. Wish upward spirals were as easy to step into, as are the downward kinds.
Time for more coffee.
Love everything today, appreciate it, find ways to look at the bright side of everything. It takes no more energy to focus on the positives, and believe in it, as it does to focus on the negativity.....
Even if you're only going on two hours of sleep.
