Give Thanks Today - Thoughts about being grateful anyhow, from the insomnia chair.

Yeah, so... I've been up for awhile.  

It is what it is.

And as I have become prone to do in situations where I'd like to get really down about things.... I've been spending the last couple-three of hours trying really hard NOT to be.

11 months ago, 3am was when "the bad people" would come to call.  
I was in a jam, professionally, working 11-12 hour days without even taking a lunch break, just to fall further behind.    It was an unusual situation for me to be in, as I've done pretty darn well for myself in my chosen field of endeavor, 'lo these last two decades.

And I would lay awake, and fears of the present and the future, and self-recriminations, and anger and loathing and a bunch of other shady characters would make their presence known.
After awhile, it became such a regular occurrence that I simply referred to them as "the bad people."

I reckon many of you are visited by your own versions of them.  

Solidarity!!!

By most people's definition, the last year and a half would qualify as a motherfucker.
That's pretty succinct, yes?
Like everyone else, it's been a rollercoaster ride, for sure.  And the  roller coaster is oddly built, and occasionally rickety.  
but one of the cool things I've learned, and continue to learn every day, is that - I get to steer it.  
In many ways, we ride a roller coaster of our own design.  

No, you are not in total control of everything that happens to you and your loved ones.  Of course not!  

But how you react, what you focus on, how you continue to focus on the future and your life goals...  design it.  
Steer it.

I am so thankful for my life.

And for the 8 females of various species to which I come home every day.  How lucky am I?!?!?!

And for being a dad, to an amazing, yet challenging, daughter.  

And to the friends I have, old and newer.

And for the opportunities that have allowed me to continue to grow as a man, and as a human being.  That have continued to shape me into someone of whom I can be proud.

For the constant reminders that it really is, and will always be, a work in progress.
For the knowledge that patience and optimism are my friends.

For the little things, on which we all can focus our attention, when the big picture becomes daunting. I love the little things so much.

For instances of such amazing timing and coincidence that you can do little but accept that the universe is an amazing place, indeed.

For a great spring, summer and fall, unlike any I've had as an adult.

For projects completed.

For a life goal realized.   A goal I've had since college, without really knowing how to achieve it.
It was basically handed to me.  I just had to say "I do that."  when someone asked.
And then actually do it, at least well enough for them to keep saying "more, please!"

For learning to say " I do that"  when the time comes.  

And, as a grand finale, to the ability to remind myself that ultimately, it's going to be ok.
It is.
And I know we we'll be able to deal with it when it's not.
We'll soldier on, while wishing we could just catch a break.   And then we will remind ourselves that we've caught lots of them....

It may not be how you pictured it,  whenever you pictured it, there will be bumps and disappointments and fears both unsubstantiated and realized, but damn if it's not ultimately going to be ok, even as we continue to strive to make it better than that.



Good or bad, the last year and a half has ensured that I am no longer coasting through life at half speed.   On a roller coaster of someone else's design.


Be thankful today, even if initially you're not feeling it.
Do it tomorrow, too.
And the day after.    
Make it a habit, even though it's easier said than done, some days.  

It drives the bad people crazy.

Standards, people.

Oh, brothers and sisters, I pontificate to you this evening with a furrowed brow and a heavy heart.

These are troubling times.

Tonite, my brain is pre-occupied with standards.   Our standards, my flock.
And the fact that they've.... gotten pretty low.

Can I get an Amen?

I first started dwelling on this, on a part-time basis, a few months ago.  An area poll was taken, as to the best restaurants in my greater metropolitan (he writes, chuckling at the use of this word to describe where he lives) area.

The restaurant that came in 2nd, is within walking distance of my house.   The food there is not good (nor is it truly bad), and they've a ways to go before their in-house brewed beers taste like what you'd except. IPA is not very IPA-like, etc.

But the owner works the room well, and the service is always attentive, lest you think I'm only focused on the negative.  Not me, my people.  I always look for the positive, if I'm going to testify negatively, hallelujah!

it's all about balance, you see....


The comments to the announcement that this was the 2nd best restaurant in my GMA, are what've stuck with me.   You must, we are told, try a burger when you go.  They're awesome!

A burger.
It's the 2nd best restaurant in the area, because... they serve a hamburger.

I've had the hamburger. Due to it's proximity to my humble abode, I've done a fairly in-depth study on their hamburger.  I researched most of my college term papers less than I've researched this hamburger.
It tastes remarkably like... every other basic, kinda dry,  hamburger I've ever had.
It's not particularly large, not stuffed with something new and exciting, not seasoned nor topped with anything that makes THEIR 1/3lb of ground cow meat stand out from the crowd.

Try the burger!!!!!!!!   Not... "best beer ever", or "Daily specials show a true love of the culinary arts".

Nope.  Try the damn burger, brother and sisters.  Want fries with that?
And before you assume, there are way more than two restaurants in my GMA.    And lots of them don't even offer drive-thru service!  

Our standards.....

But wait!   On the way to services this morning, I passed a billboard.    "Busch Beer.  Because you earned it."

Earned it?!?!?!?!?!?  You earned a really crappy tasting beer, my congregants!!!!! Rejoice and be glad!!!
You EARNED that Busch beer.    Way to go!
What does one have to do, to accomplish,  to EARN a Busch beer?   the limber mind reels with sarcastic responses.      However, looking closer at the sign, apparently you earn a Busch beer by... shooting a deer or a duck.

I fish a lot, and have, since getting my first post-college job (which paid crap wages and was unsatisfying in every way), always felt like I earned better than that.
I had a great day out on the river this morning! I really earned.... a halfway decent beer that I will not want to consume via paper funnel or long plastic tube.    Can I get an amen?

Standards,  my people.    If you accomplished more than tying your owns shoes today, you've earned better than Busch beer.  Praise... whomever you feel comfortable praising!


And this brings me to the overlying concern, when it comes to standards, and the fact that we've apparently given up on them.

Don't we all deserve the highest standards in politicians?    It's easy to repeat the oft heard phrase that we get the politicians we deserve, I think some of our standards have faltered over the last 20 years.

Where I live, there was just a primary to pick the republican candidate that will run for a seat vacated by the "family values" "christian" official, who was ejected from the house once it became known that she was having fact finding meetings with another "christian" "family values" representative from the other side of the state, in a Lansing hotel room. Regularly.   He was removed from office as well.  

And they both had the gall, and the legal loopholes, to run in the primary for the very offices that they were just expelled from!  Frankly, I was relieved and a bit surprised when they did not win their respective nominations.

Are these truly the politicians we deserve?  The argument, brothers and sisters, is that they ARE, because enough people heard the buzzwords, and decided that was all they needed to know.

Standards, people...   We've let them slip, we've let them slide.   So very far down....

Burgers... You can order them from your car by talking into a clown's mouth.
Busch Beer - just... no.

And it's time we all try to give that whole "informed electorate" thing a try again.  Try to use the gigantic brains that evolution, or the god of your choice, has provided us, to see past the buzzwords.

I'm not choosing sides here.

If everyone, or at least a far greater number of people who are currently doing this,  CAN and WILL  do this, we'll all come out ahead.  Think for yourselves, my people!

It only hurts for a moment.

Or maybe we do get the politicians we deserve,  and we really HAVE earned that Busch beer.


This notion gives me the shivers, the same kind I used to get when I was a broke college kid, trying to force Busch beer down my gullet....

Insomnia - Accept the night, remember to appreciate your day.

Put the book down around 10p, after a long, busy day.   Morning was rough, but it got better, for which I am grateful.

Lights out, drifting off...... my wife comes down from putting my daughter to bed, and.... I'm awake.

and I toss and turn and do the hokey pokey for awhile, until I finally get to the point where I'm juuuussstttt drifting off again..... The water pump in the basement goes off.   Slow and loud.

shit.

And then the late night freight train... You can hear it coming from a mile away, slowly, steadily making it's way through the night, through the woods, until it's behind your 150 year old farm house, at which point you can not only hear it, you can feel it, like an 80 car subwoofer going one mile an hour...

And I begin to regret the ice cream I ate before bed, was THAT why I'm wide awake now, because of all of the sugar?

And the pump went off  again.
And then the soft water unit regenerated
and then my daughter woke up, and i was wide awake so heard her coming down the stairs, and met her there, so as not to wake up my wife.   Glanced at the clock....12:30

Sat with my daughter for a few minutes, a pre-agreed upon amount of time, got an extra kiss and hug for my effort, came back downstairs.....

Another freakin' train, really????  we go days and days without one, but tonite.....

And then the pump, and then the dog starts barking in her sleep, and then....

It's 1:30 and I'm still awake.

And I break down and take a sleep aid, and eagerly await for it to take effect.   That slow release, the tingling in the feet and hands, that gradually spreads up the arms and legs, the moment when your thoughts get garbled a bit, and you get irritated, only to realize that this is a GOOD thing, and you welcome it, letting it in.....

Or.. not so much, as your daughter's back up, your wife's getting out of bed.... and it's 2:30....

And it might just be the (not so helpful) sleep aid talking, but....  I am not having fun.  
And bed is SUPPOSED to be a fun, happy place!

The pump in the basement goes off again.... Why's it doing that? Dammit, I better go check the basement....   it's fine.   And I'm walking around at 2:30 in the morning, with un-productive drugs in my bloodstream...  That should also be more fun than it appears to be.

And the way my old farmhouse is set up, if I get up, come out to the living room and turn on the TV, the noise will go up the stairs into my daughter's room.

I haven't had a night like this in many months, and back then, it was work-driven.   3am was the time of day where I'd lay awake and think about all the work that was not yet complete.....

Finally, drifted off.... for a couple of hours, until my wife came down stairs again after falling asleep with my daughter the 2nd time she got up...

It's not yet light out, I am NOT getting up, dammit.

So, it's now a gorgeous Saturday morning, and I'm having a cup of coffee, and watching something to encourage life positivity, which I've been struggling with the last few days.  

You put it out there, and keep it out there, until something comes along that's contrary to it, and... you go off the rails a bit, in seconds.   And it takes days and, apparently, nights to try to get your head back on track.   Wish upward spirals were as easy to step into, as are the downward kinds.

Time for more coffee.  

Love everything today, appreciate it, find ways to look at the bright side of everything.   It takes no more energy to focus on the positives, and believe in it, as it does to focus on the negativity.....

Even if you're only going on two hours of sleep.

 

For Fiona, on her 8th birthday.

So, my daughter's 8th birthday is upon us.

I'm sitting on my back porch, sipping luke-warm coffee and writing until the sun rises above the trees and blinds me, forcing me to take this party inside......

We are alone this morning, my wife and I.    Fiona is not with us.    She spent the night at girl scout camp.

Let me re-state to better emphasize.

She.

SPENT THE NIGHT

at girl scout camp.

Last night was the first night she's ever spent away from home, away from.... us.

We found out Monday afternoon that this was an option, she stated emphatically that she would NOT be doing THAT, we told her it was ok with us if she wanted to, but perfectly fine if she didn't, and by Tuesday evening she was.... hedging.

"Well..... maybe I'll want to do it....."

And by Wednesday morning, there was no uncertainty.   And upon arriving home from day camp on Wednesday, she was crazy ready, let's start packing RIGHT NOW!!!!"

And with nary a backward glance, she grabbed her overnight bag yesterday morning as she got out of the car, and.... was gone.

This, the girl who cajoles us to not leave her bedside every single night, and who, for the first six years of her life, ensured that we did not sleep much or well...

My wife, more prone toward... being a mom, whereas I'm kind of dad-like, was a bit sad about this development, in the midst of being proud of her.  One more baby step taken down the long road to independence, to.... loving us, but no longer needing us.        

Baby steps......

I'm a bit more.... me.  Combined with being a dad.    So I was extremely proud of her, and excited to watch a grown up movie with my wife, NOT on the little DVD player at reduced volumes because we didn't want to make too much noise while she was going to sleep.     

(Irony.... We watched Amelie, which is in French with English Subtitles.  We READ a movie, on the one night we could have cranked the surround sound....)

As parents, we continue to worry about her and be amazed by her, non-stop, in equal doses.   She has some issues that she might have to struggle with for her entire life.  They effect her ability to prioritize and focus, and can impact how she's perceived by others, especially in group settings (like.... classrooms.)

So, we worry.

But she's just so damn amazing.    Big heart, big brain, big imagination, great enthusiasm, incredible sense of humor...    And the most infectious laugh I've ever heard.  

When taking a step back from... everything, and remembering to slow down and to just... PAY ATTENTION FOR GODSSAKE (!!!), I constantly marvel at her thought processes, her facial expressions, and her growing sense of how she's a part of something much larger than she was able to process at a younger age.  

And her kindness.   My god, I hope the world treats her in a manner that will keep her from replacing her innate kindness with cynicism and shields....

Guess that's a "wait and see" and I'll just continue to enjoy her for who she is, while trying to help her  in her journey to who she will become.    

Fiona, you will always be an amazing gift.    Happy birthday, darlin'.

Magic Boots

Apple-picking-with-friends-on-a-sleety-fall-Saturday-boots.

Tending-the-chickens-in-a-downpour-boots.

Mow-forever-boots.

Walk-through-anything-with-feelings-of-indestructibility-boots.

These:

For the last 25+ years, boots have, for want of a better term, been a big deal for me.  Started to realize their importance in my life while in college, after studying was done for the night or the week, and I found myself in places perhaps I should not have been, late at night, with friends.
Boots = adventure.  Or more accurately, they equalled a feeling of indestructibility while on those adventures.   I was 10 feet tall, impervious to anything that may harm me, and the earth trembled as I stomped upon it.
And that, my friends, was a great feeling.   Which likely explained in part the big grin I'd usually be sporting, whenever the late night adventures took place.

They say that youth have no sense of their own mortality, of being... breakable.
I was not one of those kids.   I never took being in one piece for granted.   I lived and moved with greater caution than many of my peers, often to my own detriment. I moved with reservation, while they plowed forward without pause.   Guess who was frequently a step or two behind as a result...
Which made the boots, THE BOOTS!!!! - so special.   I was stomping the earth late at night with friends, I was a giant, no longer a mere mortal.  Let's climb...THAT!!!!  Now!!!!

And, so.... boots.   Ever since.   and I beat the hell out of them before finally replacing them, every time.

This is one of the the things I wish for my daughter, as she grows up - boots.  Real or metaphorical, I don't really care which.  She's shaping up to be much like I was, a bit more physically cautious than her peers; letting the worry of potential injury and pain keep her from doing things, things that many of the other kids do without thought.    And while the nervous dad in me is glad of this on some levels, he also remembers what it was like to be... her.

Of course I want her to make intelligent choices and never completely eschew caution.  But I also want her to have the feeling of stomping the earth, the sublime pleasure of looking down and laughing at just how high you've climbed without once stopping to think about it.  
"Holy crap!  That's a long way down!  This is so cool....."

It's just so damn important to feel that way once in awhile.

I get the middle-aged version of this now, living where I do.  
Mud?  Screw mud.
Rainstorms?
Cold, wet, mess?
Time to mow the biggest yard God ever made, known to have... critters lurking within?
Lost the trail?
"Screw them, too." He says, slipping into his boots.

And when i combine them with these:

The world trembles before me.....

As I hope it will tremble before my daughter, at least once in awhile.


 

Mother Nature is, indeed, a Mother.....

So, here I sit.
Sunday evening, at the dinner table, waiting for the wife and the daughter to finish their veggie burgers.

The winding down of what was supposed to be a very full, very satisfying weekend full of family and social opportunities.  
God laughs, and mother nature is, indeed, a mother.

Spent way too much time at the grocery after work on friday, stocking up for company and Super Bowl parties and such.  My GOD, I even bought....meat.   
Woke up saturday morning to phone calls about winter storms.... I used to be on top of this sort of thing.  
Now I'm asking my sister in Chicago - So, how much snow am I supposed to get here?
Really?  That much???

Mother Nature, is indeed... a mother.

So, no company, no quality time with what are hands down some of our very favorite people. On the plus side, we might not have cleaned as much yesterday, as we would have if the weather forecast had not been so... un-encouraging.

No family get together to celebrate my dad's birthday today.  No all going to church together (it's his birthday, and all he asked for...) and to lunch afterwards.  No heading back out to a Super Bowl party, hosted by someone we befriended just last weekend.  Would have been great to have been able to follow up on that initial connection, as we continue to try to re-establish a satisfying social life here.

Nope, 24 hours of snow instead!  Whoo Hoo!

Rudi Gunn: But I was hoping to meet a girl on the Australian trip! 

Al Giordino: No, African war zone; ship of death!

Looking out the window into the snowy dusk, and lamenting fact that Wendy and I have shoveled our huge ass driveway twice today, and you can't hardly tell at all.   I try not to think of it as a metaphor with larger life relevancy.   That was an awful lot of work with not much to show for it... 

Mother nature.... well.  You know.  

So, we shovel, and eat a meal, and watch a movie, and shovel, and eat a meal and... probably watch another movie...  If Fiona finishes her veggie burger on time.   Not as advertised...

While it was not as advertised, the weekend was not a complete loss.

My dad still came over for dinner last night, because "someone's gotta help you eat all that food you bought...".   He turned 72 on friday, and is so much healthier than he was when he turned 71.  We got to sit and chat and be relaxed around each other, instead of me worrying about his immediate future.  We put a candle on a cupcake for him, and sang him happy birthday, and I had a moment of just being really glad to be able to do it.  If you had ask me a year ago.... there were concerns....

Maybe mother nature's not all bad.  

Got a lot of left over cupcakes, though.....