Yeah, so... I've been up for awhile.
It is what it is.
And as I have become prone to do in situations where I'd like to get really down about things.... I've been spending the last couple-three of hours trying really hard NOT to be.
11 months ago, 3am was when "the bad people" would come to call.
I was in a jam, professionally, working 11-12 hour days without even taking a lunch break, just to fall further behind. It was an unusual situation for me to be in, as I've done pretty darn well for myself in my chosen field of endeavor, 'lo these last two decades.
And I would lay awake, and fears of the present and the future, and self-recriminations, and anger and loathing and a bunch of other shady characters would make their presence known.
After awhile, it became such a regular occurrence that I simply referred to them as "the bad people."
I reckon many of you are visited by your own versions of them.
Solidarity!!!
By most people's definition, the last year and a half would qualify as a motherfucker.
That's pretty succinct, yes?
Like everyone else, it's been a rollercoaster ride, for sure. And the roller coaster is oddly built, and occasionally rickety.
but one of the cool things I've learned, and continue to learn every day, is that - I get to steer it.
In many ways, we ride a roller coaster of our own design.
No, you are not in total control of everything that happens to you and your loved ones. Of course not!
But how you react, what you focus on, how you continue to focus on the future and your life goals... design it.
Steer it.
I am so thankful for my life.
And for the 8 females of various species to which I come home every day. How lucky am I?!?!?!
And for being a dad, to an amazing, yet challenging, daughter.
And to the friends I have, old and newer.
And for the opportunities that have allowed me to continue to grow as a man, and as a human being. That have continued to shape me into someone of whom I can be proud.
For the constant reminders that it really is, and will always be, a work in progress.
For the knowledge that patience and optimism are my friends.
For the little things, on which we all can focus our attention, when the big picture becomes daunting. I love the little things so much.
For instances of such amazing timing and coincidence that you can do little but accept that the universe is an amazing place, indeed.
For a great spring, summer and fall, unlike any I've had as an adult.
For projects completed.
For a life goal realized. A goal I've had since college, without really knowing how to achieve it.
It was basically handed to me. I just had to say "I do that." when someone asked.
And then actually do it, at least well enough for them to keep saying "more, please!"
For learning to say " I do that" when the time comes.
And, as a grand finale, to the ability to remind myself that ultimately, it's going to be ok.
It is.
And I know we we'll be able to deal with it when it's not.
We'll soldier on, while wishing we could just catch a break. And then we will remind ourselves that we've caught lots of them....
It may not be how you pictured it, whenever you pictured it, there will be bumps and disappointments and fears both unsubstantiated and realized, but damn if it's not ultimately going to be ok, even as we continue to strive to make it better than that.
Good or bad, the last year and a half has ensured that I am no longer coasting through life at half speed. On a roller coaster of someone else's design.
Be thankful today, even if initially you're not feeling it.
Do it tomorrow, too.
And the day after.
Make it a habit, even though it's easier said than done, some days.
It drives the bad people crazy.
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