Sun's up, mmm hmm, look's ok... the world survives into another day.....

 Good morning, sports fans.   Been a bit.  Hope everyone's ok out there this morning. 

This morning's ramblings are brought to you by caffeine, and Bruce Cockburn's  1979 classic, Wonder Where The Lions Are.

Or does one only underline Book Titles?    should I have used italics?   Believe it or not, I used to know the writing rules about such things.    But, to borrow from my girlfriend, now my brain's just full of '80's song lyrics.  

  

Regardless - give it a listen.

Wow,.

off to a random, rambling start.     

Feels good.    

Kid's asleep, full cup of coffee.... you know the drill.
let's do this.

Yeah, it's been a bit.   Got to the point where after 5 days of sitting in front of my laptop, the idea of doing so again on a weekend morning, full cup of coffee..... seemed a bit too much....

Lots of things seemed a bit too much. 

on occasion, damn near everything.   

but only on occasion.   

But, as it turns out, doing nothing at all to change this, results in not much being changed.

damnedest thing.

So, baby steps.   

I started reading a lot more, and watching TV a lot less.  

Forced myself to pick up the guitar more often.  

I bought a new mattress. 

planned a couple little adventures. 

made a conscious effort to approach stuff with a more positive, pro-active attitude. 

showered.(kidding.  It was never THAT bad)

I've written about situational depression before.   What happens when the situation just keeps going? 

anyhow...

So, after my winter of discontent (every winter), spring is beginning to... spring.
Outside, too.  

Cuz I'm vaxxed and waxed and ready for action!

Just kidding.  I'm not waxed.

as far as you know.

But I saw that quote somewhere, and it amused the shit out of me, so I'm gonna keep using it.   

You've been warned. 

So, vaxxed.    

Fully, now.  

I found myself oddly emotional, when I got my first dose.  I took a moment to just thank the person who jabbed me in the arm.   

And then went and sat in the plus sized lingerie area of Meijer for 15 minutes.

until security escorted me out.

kidding.   I don't know why they put all the chairs in THAT department.      

And you'd think, after 15 minutes, I'd have come up with a good set up/punchline for plus size camo pattern brassieres.   Something about them blending in, or not being able to find them; or maybe about how they should come with a bright orange hat, so you'll be safe in the woods during deer season without a shirt....

But no.    Clearly, I was off my game.

three weeks later, got the 2nd one, spending another 15 minutes staring at camo bras.  Don't judge.

You know you're living sub-optimally when you don't even know it's kicked your ass, cuz you're already on the damn couch.     

And then you say "It's beautiful, let's take a big walk" to a friend, and your  respective kids.   And a mile in, you want to die.   When just a week before, two miles wouldn't have been a blip on your radar.

Surprise, you lazy, depressed bastard!

I'm going to go, lie down over there.... just cover me with sticks and leaves.....

But now that I'm vaxxed (and waxed! and ready for action!),  it's time to start up live music again.   

Cuz it's all about me.

Cuz it's all about me.... goddamn, I'm tired of seeing that, hearing that, reading that.    It takes many shapes and forms, but at the root of all of those.... it's all about selfishness.  

I mention this only because it's been 13 months since we shut down.   

13 months, and we still have lots of folks....

• demanding their children return maskless to schools, as we, in MI, are in the middle of a spike worse than anywhere else in the country..... See, cuz MASKS aren't safe....   
• physically attacking store employees for trying to enforce policy.
• trying to score political points by poorly arguing science with scientists on the floor of the senate.  

That was just thursday.

Or was it Wednesday?   They all blend together.

yeah, people.    They ruin everything...

Time to wrap this up.   There are chores, and the sun is shining, and my coffee's ice fucking cold, and I feel pretty good about all of it.

And not JUST because I'm vaxxed and waxed and ready for action. 

Ted Cruz, simple dooshbaggery vs. complicated dooshbaggery, and being around people....

So, Ted Cruz.

Decides to leave the country, whilst his constituents freeze, without electricity and water.

See, cuz his house was cold.

And only when he was caught doing so, after instructing his office not to comment on his whereabouts, and the shit started to hit the fan, did he quick fly home, and began lying to everyone.

Why THIS?   Why is THIS news?   Why the outrage over this, compared to, say, our collective outrage over his involvement in January's insurrection?

At the end of the day, I believe it's simply because it's more relatable. 

It's more obviously a doosh move, without it being complicated, or nuanced.   

Most americans can see it for what it is.  without having to strain at all.    we don't like to strain.

It's a lay up.

And my goodness, it's a rich tale.   "Friends" leaking texts to the NYT, the airline's opened an investigation to see who leaked his travel info... there's mention of a neglected poodle, a cherished family pet left behind to fend for itself in the freezing home......

Ted's a craven piece of shit.   This is public knowledge.  His own party hates him, he's the most hated man in the senate for several years in a row now.... his friends obviously don't like him very much, either.  

he's already fundraising for his next presidential run....

going out in the world a bit more than has been the norm, 'lo these last 11 months. 

Kid has a robotics competition today, about 50 minutes north of where I live.    I was impressed with their safety measures, so told her she could be one of the two, I believe, team members to be at the competition. 

In the last week or so, it's gone (13 year old relayed this info) from being at 7am in Grand Haven, to what ended up being 11:30 in SW grand rapids.  

um... 11:30 only half as far away is way better.   It allows me to still love my child, whilst supporting her interest in robotics.   

"Hey, you could go to Cabela's and Duluth Trading and....."  I was told. 

yeah, I know.   I could.....

But geezus, I've no interest in doing any of that.  

I just ordered toilet bowl cleaner from Amazon, for fuck's sake.   

I go to the grocery store that has 4 aisles, once a week at opening. 

I've spent the last 10 months driving around rural michigan, so that I could feel like I was out and part of the bigger picture, without actually having to be around.... people. 

 

My biggest gripe about winter is that I can't be outside for as long, because outside is where it's safe to be,  for... people.  

friends.  

conversations, laughter... maybe a little guitar.....

outside.   

not inside. 

Cabela's sounds... daunting. 

And as I want for nothing, wonderfully unnecessary.  

I've electricity and water and gas and food, and Ted Cruz is not my senator.     

At least for today - I'm good. 

   

Assumed names, and richer tales

 My grandmother was about 90 years old, when she told me that she was not the woman I always thought she was.

Attention grabbed?    Good.

Sitting there in a lawn chair, sporting a straw hat, under the protective shade of a tree near my village's playing fields where my (at the time) very young nephew was playing t-ball, or what passed as soccer.

She was just happy to be outside, and around family, and was chatty.  

And told me the tale of growing up with a very ethnic name in southern OH, and how eventually, she just decided a different name was the way to go,   Southern OH not being the enlightened place a century ago, that I'm sure it is now.

So the name I knew her under, was, essentially, made up.  And moreover, she never legally changed it.

Record keeping was not what it is today, 100 years ago.  

weird.

And married my grandfather; raised two children; and had a full and long life...under an alias, apparently.

She did this long before social security was a thing.

Eventually, her "name" was simply everywhere.   driver's license, Soc Sec (when it became a thing), marriage license, birth certs.

And everything matched. 

learning this did not, of course, change how I felt about her, nor made me question, well... anything, really.  Except old school record keeping.

It was simply a story that made the bigger story of her life just a bit more rich.   My tiny little grandma (was she even 5' tall?) who cursed when playing cards; and who could crack your ribs with a hug... assumed name.

just seemed a little... badass, in it's way.

Had occasion, last night, to listen to another person talk about their life.   And as it happened to be my dad, he was talking about my life as well. 

Recently recovered from Covid, he was very happy to be able to share a meal and blow out candles, for his birthday.  

So my girlfriend and I took him what I remembered to be a favorite meal from a favorite pub that offers curbside, and a small chocolate cake w/ candles. 

Because of how we all distance w/ pandemic, my girlfriend had not had an opportunity to just sit and talk to him and ask him questions.  Until last night.

I sat back, and listened to the story of how we came to be in SW MI when I was not quite 4 years old. 

I knew the broadstrokes, of course.   The w's and the one H.  

But last night I learned of him staying in a boarding house in a dicey neighborhood, when he moved here ahead of his family to start the job that brought us to MI. About how his interview with the franchisee owner in Lansing was NOT an interview, but just a chat, really, because they had agreed not to poach any of the managers from any of the stores they had briefly owned in OH, as one of the terms of them getting out of that deal.

And was reminded about how he thought we'd be moving to Muskegon, until the very last minute when a manager at a Kalamazoo store had a heart attack.  

And then for the very first time, I listened to him talk about his interview to get a job with the KFD, and having to explain to the folks why he was willing to take a pay cut(!!!) from managing a take out fried fish restaurant to join the department.

Again, all of this served to make the story I KNEW, a richer one.   

Who doesn't love a good, rich story?

I've known for a long time, that encouraging people to tell their stories is the quickest way to break ice, to make someone feel like they matter, to keep conversation going....  

I learned in a Dale Carnegie class that I was right.  People love to hear their names on someone else's lips, and they notice when you make a point to ask them about themselves.

Shit's basic, really.     

But at the same time, I learned a long time ago to pay attention.  If those same folks don't make any effort to do the same with you... I don't give 'em more than a couple chances.    One sided and self involved don't take long to spot.  

But, anyhow,  in being someone that likes to know the history, the HOW of things, my girlfriend gave my dad a great birthday present, yesterday.    And in watching him share tales with her, I got a little something, too.   

A richer tale. 

Matilda, adulting, and situational depression.

 So, there's this song.....

And it's on the Matilda soundtrack.  

It's brilliant altogether, as is the entire play.   

But this song, WHEN I GROW UP, rarely fails to stir emotions.  Singing along in the car, and Tim Minchin (wrote the play and the music for it) swerves you,  and your throat closes up a bit and......

Sneaky bastard.....

• My dad has covid.
• last week it was my sister in law, before that it was my brother.
• my girlfriend, whom I love, is just coming off 14 days isolating.  thank god she's ok, at least. she was told she had been exposed at work.  who in turn would not pay her to stay home until she found out if she had it or not.....
• My mom's been in the hospital for 6+ weeks, with very serious, non-covid related issues.  

I mention all of this not for sympathy, but more to highlight that this is where a whole bunch of our lives are at right now, every day.   

             When I grow up,
                I will be strong enough to carry all the heavy things You have to haul around with you
                When you're a grown up

And isn't it all just exhausting?

I fully realize that my list, while seeming like a LOT to ME, is likely not as severe a list as many of you have at the moment.    

But I hit a wall, this morning, after talking with my dad, and listening to him sound ok, and listening to him breathe well, and talk about conference call with his doctors, and such.

hung up, and just lost my shit.

by myself.

at my desk.

in my living room.

My sis, god love her ( I certainly do ), simply reminded me that adulting is very hard right now.  

                And when I grow up 
                I will be brave enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight
                Beneath the bed each night
                to be a grown up

Talked at length with a coworker yesterday.  As has been the case of late, you start out talking about work, then just catch up with one another, because you've not seen nor spoken to them in quite awhile, and you USED to share your lives with one another, and enjoyed doing so....

He mentioned a situation with his dad, similar to my mom's.   And uncertainty and frustration and all the stuff that goes along with THAT, in the midst of family members dealing with covid.

I shared my situation.    He asked me if I knew what situational depression was, because he's finding himself struggling with it for the first time in his life.

And the lightbulb went off.

Yeah, buddy!

  

I know what that is.  It's been 2 years since I last recognized it in myself, and was 3 years before THAT when I really became familiar with the concept...

the pure joy of feeling that recede, when the situation that's causing it resolves itself, is... wonderous.

But, fuck.   it's a pandemic.  When will THIS situation resolve itself?

adulting is very hard right now.

To refer to Matilda again,  the heavy things and the monsters are... heavier, and more monstrous than we ever thought we'd have to deal with, I'm guessing.

day

after

day

after 

day.....

                And when I grow up
                    I will be smart enough to answer all the questions
                    That you need to know the answers to
                    Before you're grown up

Turns out... nope.   Not even close. 

 

At least I didn't wake up on the day of the final after not going to class all term... just dreamt that I did.....

My brain. Or: The hundred things you end up doing, while taking care of two simple tasks.....

So, my brain. 

 

Can’t wait for what comes next, can you?  I know!!!!

It IS exciting.

 

While working from home today, I had a very short list of things I wanted to accomplish ‘round here, whilst working. 

Lunch hour stuff…  each of which, as written, should take 10 minutes or less…..

Simple, direct, real, touchable, chores.  Like…two of them……

but... my brain.....

The personal grooming chore resulted in:

• The emptying and re-organizing my medicine cabinet, and to a lesser extent, my linen closet. 
• Throwing out expired… everything. 
• And aprox. 4 plastic electric toothbrush head covers. 
• And a big handful of ancient hotel toiletries.
• Throwing all towels in laundry.
• Cleaning my bathroom
• A shopping list for razor blades and toothbrush heads and toilet bowl cleaner and dryer sheets and……
• As of yet no personal grooming. (amended: i'm clean, shorn, and shiny now!)

 

Clean linens for my daughter’s bed before she arrives for the weekend resulted in:

• finding many drawing utensils. Thankfully not with my bare feet.  Someone has some work to do when she’s here this weekend…..
• Started to get an idea to re-organize her entire room.  Made myself stop.
• Two loads of laundry I hadn’t thought to include today,  WHICH in turn resulted in:
• Me cleaning off my dryer, putting everything that’s accumulated there (it’s right inside my back door) in trash or correct location
• Cleaning off kitchen table and throwing table cloth in wash. 
• Organizing / recycling everything on the table that had collected there over the last couple of weeks
• Happy discovery of a dryer full of clean and dry clothes 
• Which now will be added to what has to be folded and put away…
• Actually putting clean linens on my daughter’s bed. (Score!)

Used to catch grief, both as a child AND an adult, on the regular, for it taking “too long” for me to complete chores.  Not for NOT doing them.  For NOT doing them fast enough.  

More often than not... not an issue. 

But on occasion…

Obviously I was just screwing around or not working fast enough because it was something I didn’t want to do.  OBVIOUSLY… 

   

Maybe not…..

Anyone else?    Anyone else  find they circle waaaaaayyyyy ‘round to take care of a couple things, and end up taking care of like… nine OTHER things, but in an asymmetrical, seemingly (to the untrained eye) random manner?   

How’s that working out? Everyone a fan?

 

I let the critter out today.   I could have put the effort in to tamp down the focus issues. 

But goddamn, I was getting a lot done, so I abdicated control, at least enough.   Fly, be free!!!!

 Not like I was NOT also work-working my butt off...... 

I'm thankful that, when realizing what was going on, I was able to CHOOSE, today.   

Even if I still need to shave my head and take a shower.  (amended:  see above. I'm not an animal...)

In my now ridiculously clean bathroom, with it's very organized medicine cabinet, and freshly laundered bath towels….

 

I'm thankful that, as an adult, I recognize these issues exist in myself, and that I mostly know when it's happening, so I can adjust accordingly. 

If I want....

 

Odd and entertaining stories, Prima Facie.

 

 Might swerve y'all at the end a bit, today.    Have we met?   

Just sayin' - stick around 'til the credits.

following tale is best understood, if you know ahead of time that I, nor my girlfriend, have ever been to the town described below.....

Wandered into a shoe store with my girlfriend, this past weekend, whilst walking the main drag of a small, sleepy beach town up the coast.  it was the kind of shoe store you'd expect to find on the main drag of a sleepy beach community, mixed in with multiple bike shops and oh-so-rugged outfitters.. 

After way too many minutes of awkward, at best, customer service, ending with me assuring her I could put my old shoe back on all by myself, my salesperson met me at the counter to ring me up. 

"Phone#?"

I gave it to her, without thinking about why she was asking.  habit, at this point.

"There's no rewards account under that number."

Oh.  THAT's why she was asking.  mighta mentioned that first.....

"Maybe they're attached to your wife's phone#?"

the fuck?!?

"Uh, I'm not married."

"Oh, I didn't mean to assume and...." random blustering...

"don't worry about it."  (Fuck, I want to get outta here....)

"It's just that I know I've seen your friend(nods toward my girlfriend) in here a few times before, so I figured.."

What, now she's just blatantly lying, and poorly?  for no reason?!?! what the hell?

"we don't have rewards.  what's my total?"

a minute later, I'm outside on the sidewalk, and am sharing conversation with my girlfriend, who stubbornly refuses to change her story about never having shopped in the shoe store in the town she's never been to.

I figure I can use some variation of "Were you off sneak-shoe shopping up north again?!?" about....3-4 times before it's not funny anymore.  

But I'm gonna have to really nail it, each time.

………………………………

Received a text last night, from a local # I did not recognize.   Someone had just heard the great news, and apparently this person just KNOWS my partner and I are going to be great parents!!!!

okay.....

Texted back:  Who are you trying to reach?

Which to.. fuck, a LOT of people, would be a red flag, ESPECIALLY if you were expecting "Thank you, we're so excited!!!!" or whatever...   

nope. 

She promptly told me, and then mentioned something about when I was young, I think, and then texted me a series of pictures of what I can only assume were of "me" as a baby.  boom boom boom, one after another after another...

I appear to have been a happy little girl. 

After several texts in, like... 8 seconds, I texted her back that I was not that individual, and that I would delete the text and the photos.

only response?

"good to know."

My girlfriend reminded me that we agreed on no babies, and I was indeed pregnant... she's outta here...

 

…………

Awhile back, I was pumping gas, when an older guy called out to me.  He looked like he just got off the golf course, and that he likely played several times a week.  He was standing by the next gas pump down from mine.

"What's the zip code, here?"

"Here? in __________?" I answer, stupidly, caught off guard by the random opening.

"Yes, of course here!" he said, irritated by my response.

"But, sir, you need to give the machine YOUR zip code..."

He looked at me like I was simple.  bless my little heart....

"I'm not stupid. I live here in ___________!!!"

I was the fucking idiot, but HE couldn't remember his own zip code. 

And couldn't be bothered to look at his license or anything he might have in his glove box....

and assumed some rando at the gas station would know it.  

but I'm the goddam simpleton in the tale he tells....

…………………….

I shared these odd and entertaining little stories, today, instead of writing about the election, and all the ridiculous bullshit that lead up to it, and continues to come after.  

I might rant write about it specifically, sometime soon.  When I've greater confidence it will come out coherently. 

 

I share these odd and entertaining little stories because they illustrate a partial answer to "How can so many seemingly normal people still support him / buy into all this ridiculous shit?" 

 

This is how.

 

and... scene.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gruel, Andy Dufresne, and a scary halloween story.

Namaste, magnificent beasts. 

It's Saturday morning, my daughter's still asleep, I've got a half cup of extremely good coffee...

Let's drive it like it's stolen.

 

That sounds so badass.  Time to underwhelm.

 First, a scary tale.

 

It's Halloween. and the election's in 4 days, and there's a pandemic, and I wake up most days and say a little prayer that my job will last another couple years, at least.  

Boo!   scary!  

But it's the reality on the ground.  It's our world, at the moment.  And I'm no longer limber enough to bend far enough over to stick my head all the way into the ground, so...

After two straight nights of insomnia, I gave up Thursday morning, sneaking out of bed and bedroom in hopes that my absence would secure my girlfriend another hour or two of sleep.

I was scheduled to work a 2nd shift on the factory floor later in the day, - conscripted more accurately. And still had to keep on top of the job they actually pay me to do. 

Which meant that this little experiment in keeping production costs down was fucking up my third daughter weekend in a row.   While I understand the logic behind the decision, I don't have to like it.

I just have to show up. 

At least the physical recovery time has gotten better.   I'm not sore for days any more....

Being sad and exhausted and dreading the day to come, is not necessary the best time to reflect on one's life, as it turns out.

the things you learn.

"Thin".

That's what I came up with, eyes welling up, on the couch the other morning at 5:30.  Judge if you want.  Glass houses and all that....

 

Life's gotten kinda of fucking thin, this year. 

The spices and herbs and yummy chunks of things are missing from the stew.

Anyone else dealing with this? 

betcha.

The stuff that used to balance the other stuff is simply absent now.  And the potential new stuff is like... artificial sweetener.  a veggie burger patty.  Little Ceasar's pizza....

virtual FB live concerts, church via zoom...  a hundred other similar things....

They are what they are, but they're not like the "real things" they're replacing.

So it's all starting to feel a little gruel-y.   Or more likely, it's been getting gruel-y for awhile, and I simply noticed and gave it a name.

So:  "Thin" - anyone?

Conversely, anyone else, besides my anti social hermit friends, feel like their lives have become full, compared to 10 months ago?    Or at the very least, NOT LESS full? 

Concerts and restaurants and hugs and church with real people and beers with friends and.....  anyone happy to be done with all of THAT?

Gruel is not the comfort, that stew was.   And it's a time right now where feeling comforted is a lot harder to come by than it used to be.  

Anyone wanna toss me an amen on that one? 

• But my morning of discontent is 48 hours old. 
• my daughter is awake  (subs "what's for breakfast?" for "good morning" sometimes, but I'll keep her).  I'm happy with the time I DO have with her this weekend.
• sun's out
• coffee's phenomonal
• Girlfriend and I will be safely socializing with others later.  maybe playing a little guitar around a fire
• Girlfriend. 💜💜💜   
• fall splendor

Maybe not too gruel-y after all...

 

I've had constant reminders the last couple of weeks, about what happens when you give up.

when you simply stop bothering.   Whether by intent or by gradual accident.

A never-ending cautionary tale, if you will.

It shook the shit out of me, to say the least, and continues to.

 

        "Guess it comes down to a simple choice.  Get busy living, or get busy dying." 

 

Not such a simple choice for everyone, as it turns out.    But for me....

I accept the gruel.  mmmm…. Gruel.  more please!  

And I will continue to work toward thickening  and flavoring it up again.